Love, Logic and the Like

"Rationality is limited when dealing with the dictates of our passions and sexual attachment, sanitized as love...these things tend to be much deeper than our dispassionate analysis" - Nando Pelusi, Ph.D

I found the quote above in an article titled "Neanderthink: Desperation with a Difference" that was featured in PsychologyToday magazine. The thesis of the article focused on the fact that women are devastated by failing relationships whereas men are more concerned with the relationships that they deem unattainable.

In short, the author explores what characterizes emotional neediness. For women, the game is centered on playing coy at first in order to assess a mans "worth". Yet once the man passes through the "tests", he's in - and neediness arises. In contrast, mens feelings of neediness are at a peak in the beginning of a romance or encounter, and the emotion is based on the feelings of falling in love. This is so because men are allured and driven by ambiguity and elusiveness that women display in the beginning of a potential relationship. In short, the author argues that neediness kicks in when we are unsure whether we can obtain someone or not.

As much as I loved this article, it presented information that we all know yet seem to have a hard time actually applying. The application of such theories has yet to be explained by any psychologist, relationship expert or therapist. For example, how long is someone supposed to "play" hard to get? Eventually, a woman will let down her guard and open up. Does this mean that once the elusiveness factor ceases to exist, a man will lose interest? And if so, then why is that people who maintain a constant and steady vagueness about themselves are often negatively referred to as shady, cold, detached? And eventually, a once interested suitor mistakes the persons elusiveness for disinterest and becomes uninterested themselves.

Another question I have often pondered deals with the emotion of neediness. I often wonder if neediness is an innate characteristic or one that is specific to personality type. Or, is being needy a product of external factors and experience? In application, I have known people that do not seem to have an ounce of neediness. Personally, I feel as though I am the opposite of what people jokingly call a "stage-five-clinger". I enjoy my personal space and value my privacy. In fact, if a guy makes constant and persistent contact, I begin to not only lose interest but respect as well. God forbid I receive two texts messages consecutively without having answered the first one - that simple action is enough to elicit a physiological feeling of suffocation! Similarly, I know many people that feel the same way.

Another factor that makes Pelusi's argument problematic is the extent at which neediness is expressed. I disagree that neediness is a result of being unsure of whether a person is unattainable. Many people are in committed, exclusive and intimate relationships and continue to exhibit neediness. One such example is a couple that spends every moment together, and when one leaves for a few hours their partner begins constantly contacting them. Is the person really worried about attainment at that point? Or is there a deeply rooted insecurity problem or irrational feel that the person might lose their partner if they allow him/her to take a trip to cvs alone? Also, if neediness is an innate human characteristic - are people that are not needy just better at controlling and suppressing their emotions? (Another problem for another day)

In addition, there is a fine line between disinterest and hard-to-get. Even the most intelligent men seem to have a problem with this lucid concept. Personally, if I get the vibe that a person is not interested I tend to back off - rather then become more needy. I may have given the person my feelings and heart (which ended up unrequited), but I prefer to keep my dignity in tact. The only thing more frustrating then neediness, is not getting the hint. Sometimes, it is painfully obvious that a person does not have a chance. It is at this point that desire crosses over into the realm of being plain obtuse. Unfortunately, I feel as though the increasing technological advances are to blame for this. With 85% of communication being nonverbal, many social cues are lost through aim, texting and facebook.

In conclusion, my personal opinion is that neediness is an emotion that is directly correlated if not caused by feelings of insecurity, instability and incompleteness. While the purpose of human life is to connect with another person, too many people look for someone to complete them rather than complement.

For those who are interested in reading the actual article:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200802/neanderthink-desperation-difference

Anorexia and Bulimia: Disorders or Addictions?

Dedication & Determination; two words synonymous with success. Apply dedication and determination to dieting....and the only true success story becomes one that results in death. In a world where we see the waistline of the general population expanding; we fail to pay much attention to those who are wasting away. The increase of anorexia and bulimia among young adults in the western world is one that is recieved with mixed emotions from those on the outside looking in. For those with less will power, anorexics & bulimics are looked upon with envy. For others, it is a feeling of digust. Some feel pity. Others derive inspiration . Few sympathize. None truly understand.

A secret struggle, characterized by silence and plagued by emotional and physical suffering...the world of eating disorders is one that remains largely a mystery. Recovery is seldom. Causes are an intergration of myraid factors. Definition is vague. Research is minimal.

Beyond media, models, and materialism....it is the very way we medically define eating problems that has me perplexed. I find it ironic that the word "eating" is yoked with "disorder". Although the world of eating disorders is one that is confounding, confusing, and complex - one thing is certain - it is a world centered around control. I view eating disorders as addictions, rather than disorders. The following is my arguement:

Medically speaking, the phenomenon of restricting, controlling or obsessively monitoring food intake and weight is considered a disorder. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel categorizes the behavior as a disorder. More specifically, the diagnostic criterion for eating disorders is found on Axis I. With regards to social reference, people suffering are referred to as having an “eating disorder”.

The distinct difference between the word 'disorder' and the word 'addiction' is the way in which the person suffering treats it. A disorder is one that is rarely a choice. People suffering from disorders regard their disorder as a battle. One that they are eager to win. There is no inner conflict. No desire to hold on. I've never heard of anyone that would choose to hold on to their dyslexia. Hold on to their mania. Hold on to that extra chromosome causing that lifelong impairment.

Unlike disorders, addictions are often compulsive thoughts and actions - ones that are based on a love-hate relationship. A dependency that is wanted and needed physically and emotionally; hated logically. An anorexic may hate the feeling of hunger; but may be in love with the feeling of euphoria that is followed by days of not eating. In the mind of an anorexic, the choice to eat is one that is largely based on a cross-benefit analysis. A clear example of this mind set is a quote that was said in the documentary titled Thin by Lauren Greenfield. "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels".

It is because of this, I feel as though eating disorders are not disorders but in fact addictions. Addiction to food counting, addiction to exercise, addiction to frequent weigh-ins, addiction to starving and mainly – an addiction to feeling in control. While an anorexic is not addicted to food, (s)he is addicted to the thoughts of food. Similar to any substance abuse addict, eating disorders are hard to admit to and even harder to let go of. They offer a security blanket, a comfort, and a sense of control. It is a mental battle, that is turbulant emotionally - exhausting physically. It is one that cannot be helped because it cannot be understood; and the tenets of the problem appear to lie in the pramatics.

To be continued.....