"Rationality is limited when dealing with the dictates of our passions and sexual attachment, sanitized as love...these things tend to be much deeper than our dispassionate analysis" - Nando Pelusi, Ph.D
I found the quote above in an article titled "Neanderthink: Desperation with a Difference" that was featured in PsychologyToday magazine. The thesis of the article focused on the fact that women are devastated by failing relationships whereas men are more concerned with the relationships that they deem unattainable.
In short, the author explores what characterizes emotional neediness. For women, the game is centered on playing coy at first in order to assess a mans "worth". Yet once the man passes through the "tests", he's in - and neediness arises. In contrast, mens feelings of neediness are at a peak in the beginning of a romance or encounter, and the emotion is based on the feelings of falling in love. This is so because men are allured and driven by ambiguity and elusiveness that women display in the beginning of a potential relationship. In short, the author argues that neediness kicks in when we are unsure whether we can obtain someone or not.
As much as I loved this article, it presented information that we all know yet seem to have a hard time actually applying. The application of such theories has yet to be explained by any psychologist, relationship expert or therapist. For example, how long is someone supposed to "play" hard to get? Eventually, a woman will let down her guard and open up. Does this mean that once the elusiveness factor ceases to exist, a man will lose interest? And if so, then why is that people who maintain a constant and steady vagueness about themselves are often negatively referred to as shady, cold, detached? And eventually, a once interested suitor mistakes the persons elusiveness for disinterest and becomes uninterested themselves.
Another question I have often pondered deals with the emotion of neediness. I often wonder if neediness is an innate characteristic or one that is specific to personality type. Or, is being needy a product of external factors and experience? In application, I have known people that do not seem to have an ounce of neediness. Personally, I feel as though I am the opposite of what people jokingly call a "stage-five-clinger". I enjoy my personal space and value my privacy. In fact, if a guy makes constant and persistent contact, I begin to not only lose interest but respect as well. God forbid I receive two texts messages consecutively without having answered the first one - that simple action is enough to elicit a physiological feeling of suffocation! Similarly, I know many people that feel the same way.
Another factor that makes Pelusi's argument problematic is the extent at which neediness is expressed. I disagree that neediness is a result of being unsure of whether a person is unattainable. Many people are in committed, exclusive and intimate relationships and continue to exhibit neediness. One such example is a couple that spends every moment together, and when one leaves for a few hours their partner begins constantly contacting them. Is the person really worried about attainment at that point? Or is there a deeply rooted insecurity problem or irrational feel that the person might lose their partner if they allow him/her to take a trip to cvs alone? Also, if neediness is an innate human characteristic - are people that are not needy just better at controlling and suppressing their emotions? (Another problem for another day)
In addition, there is a fine line between disinterest and hard-to-get. Even the most intelligent men seem to have a problem with this lucid concept. Personally, if I get the vibe that a person is not interested I tend to back off - rather then become more needy. I may have given the person my feelings and heart (which ended up unrequited), but I prefer to keep my dignity in tact. The only thing more frustrating then neediness, is not getting the hint. Sometimes, it is painfully obvious that a person does not have a chance. It is at this point that desire crosses over into the realm of being plain obtuse. Unfortunately, I feel as though the increasing technological advances are to blame for this. With 85% of communication being nonverbal, many social cues are lost through aim, texting and facebook.
In conclusion, my personal opinion is that neediness is an emotion that is directly correlated if not caused by feelings of insecurity, instability and incompleteness. While the purpose of human life is to connect with another person, too many people look for someone to complete them rather than complement.
For those who are interested in reading the actual article:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200802/neanderthink-desperation-difference
